I stood a bit far from the spot where the funeral was being held, looking down at my feet absent-mindedly. I didn’t bother to shield my head from the pouring rain; I let it soak me to the skin.

    How could you....Heero? How could you?

    Leaving me alone in this world without company?

    Heero...you’re always like that, leaving and coming without any notice.

    I buried my face in my palms and sobbed quietly, feeling my tears mingled with the rain. I lost all my concentration on what the priest said; my mind was filled only with the memories of Heero. Who expected him to die so young?

    He was only in his early twenties...

    Just like me...

    I lifted my face and turned to my side when the rain stopped pouring on me all of sudden. He stood there, holding out an umbrella to me, smiling gently as he patted my shoulder reassuringly.

    "Quatre..." I mouthed his name, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand as I looked deeply into his eyes and gulped down some air before continuing, "Heero...Heero is not coming back any more..."

    Quatre sighed, then put his arm around my shoulders, hugging them tightly as he rocked me back and forth. His face was pale and there were dark circles under his eyes. "I know...I know, Relena-san..." he told me as he placed his chin on top of my head, "I understand your feeling as well,"

    "No! You don’t know anything!" I shook my head violently, pounding my fists on his chests. My tears were running freely; I couldn’t hold them back any longer. I buried my face in his chests, trying to conceal my tears from the world. "You’ll never understand..." I whispered, almost to myself.

    Silence beckoned upon us, putting more weights to the situation. Slowly, Quatre held me at arm length, gazing into my eyes with his sea blue eyes seriously. He gestured to the two lone figures standing side by side under a tree, not too far away from where the funeral was being held.

    Duo was holding his cross close to his heart, praying solemnly. His usually braided long chestnut hair was unkempt for he just tied it on the nape of his neck carelessly. He looked very different from the usual happy go lucky young man I encountered from day to day. He looked battered, tired and old to me all of sudden. He obviously had spotted us, for he was smiling sadly at me, nodding politely with a non-Duo attitude.

    Trowa himself kept wearing his stony mask, but I knew that he was just trying to conceal his feelings. Not even a single tear rolled down his taut cheek. Trowa never shed a tear. He never could. He was always as composed as a perfect machine could be. However, I could feel it when I saw his eyes for they lost their brilliance and were filled with grief.

    "Now you know our feelings, Relena-san." Quatre remarked, startling me. I inhaled the cold air around me deeply, then looked back into his pool of turquoise eyes. "Where is Wu Fei?" I asked him carefully.

    The young man smiled bitterly and answered my question straightforward, without an attempt to hide anything. "He locks himself in his room, refusing to attend the funeral. He still doesn’t believe the fact that Heero had died bravely in his mission. Not when he covered Fei’s Shen Long with Wing Zero and protected him from the blow. He takes all the blame on himself." he clucked his tongue and said, almost to himself, "Poor guy,"

    I covered my mouth with my fist, chuckled bitterly over Quatre’s big news. My Heero, actually cared deeply enough about other people’s life that he abandoned his mission? That was a big improvement! My old Heero would only care about the succession of his missions nonetheless. True that he was a changing man, but he couldn’t change drastically only in a few years, could he?

    I stopped chuckling when I found Quatre’s gaze never leaving my face. It flickered with questions; the ones I might be unable to answer. Correction. Didn’t want to. Such as…why did I let Heero to accomplish such a dangerous mission in a remote colony while our wedding day was only a few months away? He went there without any reinforcement, simply because we couldn’t afford the information to be leaked out. Even the slightest mistake could bring the colonies together into wars.

    But why Heero?

    My hero…he probably didn’t love me in spite of the fact that we have been engaged for a full year. He never smiled at me, never held my hands gently like any other lovers usually did to their partners. Never whispered affectionate words into my ears. Never kissed me.

    Never kissed me.

    I was so scared, very scared. I couldn't face the fact that he wasn't really mine. He couldn't be possessed by any person. I was scared he would slip away from my grasp some day. And now he was gone…forever.

    I turned away from the whole funeral scene, walking back hastily to where my red jaguar sport car was parked. Quatre grabbed my left arm all of sudden, stopping me. He stared deeply into my eyes, giving me a disapproval look. His eyes almost seemed like chastising me. I refused to look back at him, saying, pleading, "Please, Quatre, leave me alone. I just couldn't stand this pressure any more…"

    Quatre's eyes were slightly widened in bewilderment, but his gaze softened inevitably. I supposed he understand me as he loosened his grip gradually, laying his hand gently on my shaking shoulder.

    "Okay, you may go, but I'm coming with you. You're tired and confused and distracted easily in your present condition. It's dangerous to drive alone, now. You need someone to escort you home."

    I frowned upon his offer, then replied him reluctantly, "I have my driver with me." There. A clean white lie. Actually I hated lying to Quatre, but I knew He wouldn't leave me alone if I didn't say that. Quatre's response surprised me. "Liar," calmly he stated, crossing his arms in front of his chests.

    And I knew when to give up. Sometimes Quatre could be a hell lot stubborn than my Heero. I sighed in defeat, then motioned him to follow me to my car. I tossed my car keys at him when we reached the red jaguar, waiting for him to open the doors for us.

    "You want me to drive your jaguar?" Quatre asked, letting out an amused smile. So much for a time like this.

    "Whatever," I cut him short, "Just open it quickly, please?"

    The blonde haired young man shook his head slowly, then fumbled with the keys, trying to figure out the right one. I opened the passenger's door at the sound of the lock clicking and jumped in, resting my back against the soft surface of the seat, closing my eyes slowly. I could feel Quatre sliding onto the driver's seat and starting to warm up the engine a little.

    The journey to my mansion on the out skirt of the city was filled with silence. Both of us didn't even try to evoke a conversation. I was just about to drift off into slumber when Quatre suddenly raised his voice and asked me without hesitation, "What's bothering you, Relena-san? If you don't mind sharing it with me,"

    My eyes were shot back open at the very question, staring back at him irritatingly. Never before someone asked me such a blunt question. However, the irritation was soon replaced with relief; relief because someone still considered my feelings. I told him everything before I realised it.

    "May be…" I paused for a while, dropping my eyelids a little, memorising every single detail about Heero, " he didn't really love me. You know that he always protected me that people started to speculate about him having a soft spot for me?"

    He nodded slightly, but his eyes never left the sight of the road in front of him. I thought he was going to convince me that Heero really 'loved' me, but he merely encouraged me to continue, "Don't hesitate, please go on. It's not as if I'm going to sleep any time soon…."

    I was aware of his efforts in lightening the situation a bit, but I really couldn't appreciate it right now. Inhaling deeply, I resumed my narrative, "Actually, I was the one who came up with the idea of staying together. I reasoned him that he actually agreed with the engagement, although we hadn't planned to marry each other. I thought if we were always hanging around each, why not making an official claim that Heero was mine? I told him that to protect me, it was better if he was always by my side, so he agreed to go on with my plan and eventually stayed on the lower part of my mansion. To my surprise, he…"

    I glanced swiftly at Quatre, my voice trailing off. Itried to spot a hint of surprise or two in his face, but he had a poker face. His face just didn't give away any expressions at all. He looked so much like Heero when he acted like that. And there he had much too different personality from Heero. How ironic.

    "He proposed to me," I finished the line, waiting for Quatre to show some reactions. I had none.

    "He did that because I gave him the reason to. He didn't propose to me from his heart," Quatre patted my head awkwardly as a single sob escaped my lips, "He never loved me. I could hear Quatre sighing beside me, but I didn't dare to face him. He might think that my rambling was a big nonsense and I was just worrying over nothing.

    We didn't say a word to each other any more afterwards. Quatre himself was just driving in silence while he occasionally asked me whether I was comfortable or not. I hated to admit it, but I did need someone at that time. I felt very lonely and desperate for a company and I felt grateful Quatre was there for me.

    I snapped my head up as I heard the car screeching into a halt and looked around me, expecting my butler to approach the car and open the door for me. My eyes were widened in realisation when I finally took a good look at my surrounding. Confused, I span my head around, ready to spill out my protests only to be silenced by Quatre's determined eyes.

    I was Heero's apartment. The one he owned before he moved into my mansion. He earned it after a good deal amounts of dangerous missions he encountered, so he deserved it. I had never been to his place, expecting a whole room in a mess. It was always Heero who showed up in front of me and I had always been there for him.

    But this time it was different.

    I was coming to his place and he wasn't going to be there to show me around, to greet me with his smirk. Or may be just to stare at me without emotion, just letting me standing on the door without inviting me in.

    No, I cannot do this! I told myself silently and turned away from the scene, more than eager to leave the place. It reminded me a great deal of Heero when I supposed to forget about him and get on with life.

    Just when I was about to run away, Quatre gripped my arm with a strength I couldn't imagine coming from a man as gentle as him. I almost forgot how he also grew up these days. He became stronger than his look, so it seemed. I shrieked, trying to get away from him desperately, but he was just too strong for me. "Let me go!" I shouted at his face and started pounding on him, blinded by a sudden rage that enveloped my mind completely.

    Whites came over me as I felt Quatre's palm slapped me hard on the face. I stared at him in bewilderment, holding my already stung cheek. He looked back at me with anger in his eyes, making them look even bluer and deeper. He inhaled deeply, clearly trying to hold back his anger.

    "Relena-san," he started, never letting my arms go, "You know I've always respected your decisions when you're clear headed, but it is different now. It might sound too harsh for you, but please, trust me for once. I won't force you to come here if I believe it won't do you any good."

    "B-but…Quatre…" I could feel my voice shaking, my lips quivering.

    Quatre just kept gazing at me with the same blue penetrating eyes, silently asking me to follow him without much protest. Finally I nodded in defeat and let him escorting me inside. I couldn't help but notice that he got spare ID card.

    "Where did you get the spare ID card from?"

    "Heero gave us one each," he answered me absent-mindedly, "before he moved into your mansion."

    I didn't say anything more until Quatre finished keying in his identity codes and the security computer confirmed his identity. He turned on the main lights and gestured me to step in.

    I stepped into the room hesitantly and looked around, feeling pretty surprised to find that it was perfectly in order. Considering the facts that he was a single man and all the missions he had to accomplish, I wasn't really prepared for the sight before me. I should admit that….even with my butler around, sometimes I tended to mess my room with my paper work.

    Memories of Heero were merging into my mind as my eyes were skimming through the whole room, searching for its every detail. I, amazed by its simple decoration, just stood there on the entrance while Quatre shut the door quietly behind us and locked it.

    "Explore it as you like it," Quatre encouraged me, giving me one of his ever understanding smile. I returned his smile gratefully and started running my fingers on the furniture, examining this and that.

    So that was his taste.

    A room with black and white colouring and pretty simple furniture; very simple if it was compared with mine, but by all means didn't look inexpensive. Mine was full with decorations, frills and laces while his was mostly filled with lines and lines and lines, strong and bold. It was really him. It was dark and mysterious, holding out no secret, but also very straight forward.

    "He spent days and days arranging his apartment, " Quatre tuned in, filling me in with information.

    Another aspect of Heero that I had never known before.

    "When I asked him the reason, he only said that he enjoyed it. That's the first time he really did enjoy something."

    Heero actually enjoyed interior design? I never expected him to be like that. The Heero I knew seldom showed any interest to anything, anything but his missions and his Gundam.

    Another shock was still in store, waiting for me, but I didn't realise it until I passed Heero's writing desk and spotted our picture with a simple black frame around it. I lifted it up and gazed fondly at that picture, caressing his face. It was taken a week before our engagement day, when we all went for a picnic near the forest in Victoria District; all the six of us.

    I remembered it was rather an awkward moment, because Heero had refused to smile in front of the camera no matter how endless Duo coaxed him. At the end, we could only managed to make him break into a little smile. Smirk, to be precise. I giggled a little at the very memory, then put it back on the desk.

    It was then when I spotted a clean white envelope with a 'To Relena' written on it. It was leant against the wall and looked as if it was waiting for me to touch it and actually read the content. I opened the letter groggily, almost dropping it to the floor in the process.

    The first line of the letter made me feel like I was going to die. I could almost hear my heart shattering into pieces just like a very fragile crystal glass. It said….

    "I hate you…" I whispered the line softly, unable to read the rest of the page. My heart skipped a beat or two and I felt everything around me starting to spin. I held onto the first thing that happened to be in front of my eyes and just kept holding onto it until I regained my self composure little by little.

    I was just starting to walk out of the place when suddenly I saw him, staring back at me, smirking as if saying that I was a coward. Heero. Even his image was still haunting me. Could it be that he became so cold as to torture me with his cruel farewell?

    I smiled ironically at my self, then turned around and picked up the letter again. So be it….I told my self quietly. If I were to collapse, that would happen after I read the whole letter, not before it. I took a deep breath one more time, then continued reading Heero's last farewell

    Crying silently, I held the letter close to my heart. The words in Heero's last letter filled in the empty spot in my heart, giving me warmth and security, something that I hadn't felt lately. Quatre approached me slowly, putting his ever comforting hand on my shoulder.

    "Are you alright? Relena-san…"

    Wiping the tears away with the back of my hand, I nodded in confirmation, "Yes, yes, I'm fine. It's just that…"

    I held the letter at arm length, then started ripping it off. Quatre made no sound as I went milli by milli, only stared back at me in awe. Are you sure you want to do this? His eyes asked me silently.

    It was then when I decided to keep the letter. It was his last letter, anyway, and he wasn't going to be there to write the next letter. I folded the letter and put it back inside the envelope, then carefully slipped it inside my dress pocket.

    I walked pass the puzzled Quatre, feeling free from all the doubt that had haunted my mind all the time. My thoughts were still filled with Heero, but it was different this time. A single visit to Heero's apartment had cleared me of my old perception of Heero, brushing off any hesitancy from my mind.

    With much more confidence, I walked out of the tiny apartment, feeling more than ready to face a brand new day. With one last longing look to the apartment, I only could pray that Heero would give me the strength. I turned to Quatre, flashed him a grin as he gave me one of his lost expression, saying, "Quatre, pass me the keys. I'll drive you to your place, ne?"