Belongings

Relena:Regrets

     Wedding in a rainy day. It supposed to be a day when happiness and prosperity shining through, but it was pouring out there, the atmosphere cold and sad. She had wished for a more cheerful day, but she realised the rain was inevitable. She had long ago learnt to accept the ways of nature and walk according to the flow of time.

     But the rain was a stark contrast with the exuberance of a wedding. It brought grimness, sombre moods, as if today was not a wedding but a funeral.

     And she, Relena Darlian–Peacecraft, was getting married today.

     She grimaced at her own bleak vision. Shaking her head slightly to clear her mind, she frowned as she listened to the pitter-patters of the downpour slapping the window’s glass. Her pale blue eyes focused on nowhere in particular, she gathered her voluptuous wedding gown and stepped hesitantly toward the window. One sheer-gloved hand touched the glass; something in her eyes intensified as she trailed a gliding raindrop. The sensation felt childlike excitement, but she couldn’t resist a tiny smile as her eyes followed the wet trails.

     Rain had always been her friend, accompanying her in the good and bad times. She loved watching rain. In the good times, the melancholic atmosphere of a rainy day would keep her feet firmly on the ground, preventing her to reach the cloud nine of her fantasy. As for the bad times, it always gave her an opportunity to ponder over her life in introspection.

     Still, for her, raining on her wedding day was a sign of bad luck, no matter how much she loves it when it rains.

     Such a bad omen. The wedding itself felt all wrong to her all of sudden. It was as if the heaven itself cried for her decisions; its pouring tears dampened the spirit of festive.

     Again, Relena shook her head against the thought, wishing in her life she had never entertained such idea in her mind. But the question had to enter her mind one day, she realised. She was worried, wasn’t she? No, she wasn’t only worried. She doubted every single day that it was right to marry him, one of the most eligible bachelors in the whole colonies.

     Quatre Raberba Winner, the young and rich tycoon of Winner Oil Company, who was also the man who had supported the redevelopment of the L4 Colony after the war.

     He was a kind and gentle man, and somehow she doubted the wedding would benefit him. The path she took seemed unfair especially for him. Everybody told her she was a lucky girl, because he married her for love. Every single woman would gladly do anything to be his woman, but instead he sought for her affection. There were others more befitting for his classically handsome features, but he chose her.

     She should be grateful, but restlessness reigned in her heart. She wanted to run away from her responsibilities, from the situation that chained her down in a miserable hell of self-pitying. To run away from herself. As selfish as she might sound, she was never sure she was able to survive the spasms of self-doubt that would be drummed through her veins for the rest of her life.

     Love was the keyword of her dilemma. Did she love or not love him? The question had caused her to shudder in self-loath and disgust. Of course, there were more than one occasion when he sensed her frustration, but he would pretend everything was fine and hid his concerns beneath his angelic smile, even if he was aware of the fact from the beginning.

     Another question hit her. If it turned to be a loveless match at the end, what would happen to their union?

     She always told herself Quatre loved her too much to lose her, or may be her feelings would be altered with the flow of time, so separation might be avoidable. In any case, their marriage would be a peaceful one, and she could expect some warmth from her future spouse.

     She saw herself to marry for life. She would do it once, and only once. And she knew perfectly well Quatre was the man befitted for her position as a prime minister, securing the already forged trade union between the Earth and L4 Colony. Their bond secured the future of their two worlds.

     Selfish was the only word came up in her mind whenever she was contemplating the idea of ending their betrothal. But again, she couldn’t. The event was so grand and world-known, and a single mistake would destroy all the efforts she went through to start free trade policy between the Earth and the colonies.

     And then there were also those gentle sky blue eyes of his, looking vulnerable as he watched her with the look that said, ‘Go on, tell me the truth and I’ll be out of your life.’ She could never leave him out there, alone and without love. At the end, it was always the same decision over and over again, love or no love. She never had the heart to betray him. She never wished to spur their good relationship. She valued the friendship between them.

     Love might not be the best word to describe her feeling toward him, but it was love she felt when she set her eyes on him for the first time. His gentle baby blue eyes smiled at her as he stood in front of her, his stance proud and tall as he pleaded sanctuary from the raging war to her. He had been a Gundam Pilot then. Still he never let himself stained by the art of killing, his innocence shining through as he accepted to live with his sins. A little mischief always added a little spark in those blue orbs, almost carefree and childlike. But most of all, it was the angelic smile that had her taken aback. It melted the frost in her heart, and for a moment, it managed to dissolve any winter in her mind.

     However, it was always a different kind of love for her. Her true love had always been another man. Heero Yui, the most perfect soldier the Earth could have. His cobalt blue eyes, deeper than Quatre’s by nature, were always blazing with something, something Relena knew she had always been craving within herself. It was passion. His lean, chiselled face showed nothing but emptiness, but it was in his eyes Relena found herself drawn most. They burnt her; they made her feel naked to her core, exposing her.

     She almost wished she had met Quatre first before she met Heero, but she realised even if she did meet Quatre first, she would still fall for Heero, even though she realised that Heero would reject her whereas Quatre would welcome her. Still she searched for Heero, sustained herself from the energy he exuded whenever she looked deeply in his eyes, craving it like a vampire craving blood.

     She was crazy. People told her so. They hated her misguided behaviour; they never could stand her torturing herself for her little obsession. But he was her euphoria, her reason to live and struggle. Call her insane, but promoting pacifism was the only way to see him among other reasons she had developed on her way to maturity. She challenged him to kill her only so she was able to see those blue eyes again, to drink his passion, and to share her passion to him as well.

     But look at her now. No excitement, no life. No purpose…no, no, she was struggling for that one. She wasn’t made of flesh and bone alone; she was made of steel. After all, she was of the house of Peacecraft, one of the greatest ruler families on the Earth. Instead of crying out her miseries, she forced herself to look around her and told herself everything was not over yet, even when Heero had been out of reach. She had always loved him, and he loved her as well. The fact was crystal clear in her head, even when she didn’t understand it completely. Heero didn’t want to love, however. He chose to abandon the love and leave it to her to resolve. He wasn’t game anymore. He was afraid to face the given choices.

     And she wasn’t getting younger. She had her people to think about, a future to rule. And she needed security, people she could call as a family of her own, whom she hoped, in return would offer her love and support.

     When Quatre had approached her with that angelic smile of him, she was forced to contemplate her options. Marry, or not marry? Alone for the rest of her life, or together with a man whom at least could be her best friend, a man whom was stable enough to build a happy family with her.

     She finally decided to try her luck and gave Heero the choices to love or to leave her. Heero cowered – oh how she regretted it – and ran away, refusing to sort out his emotions. At the end, in spite of her love for him, Heero just appeared to be a cruel man who toyed with her feelings. When he finally told her that he loved her, he refused to act out that love. At the same time he also told her that he hated her.

     But Quatre…Quatre with his ever-ready smiles, he loved her. He really loved her, despite the fact that she had regarded him with sibling affection. He always loved her, even to the point of worshipping. Looking at her as a goddess, pampering and treating her delicately like a princess. He would do all he could to win Relena’s heart, and to make her happy.

     Relena, amidst heartaches and desire to be loved back, fell to this pretty illusion of a promising life with this prince charming and agreed to marry him. She thought she would be finally happy, but she never could shake off the feeling that she was trapped by her own choice. She started regretting things. Before she knew it, she longed for the days when she had felt alive despite the problems arisen around her. She was suffocated by her own swirl of her supposed happiness; guilt ate her conscience.

     She could only promise one thing: she would be a good, perfect wife for Quatre. She would at least play a role of a loving and attentive wife; she would be loyal. She would be a friend for her husband, his most trusted ally. She would make everything work just for him, so that he could have the happiness she had never attained. He deserved it, unlike her. She never deserved it.

     Relena winced when thunder struck outside, the flash blinding her eyes with a moment of its flare. The young woman smiled as she was again faced with another reality. Slowly she made her way to a tall mirror, her sharp blue eyes scrutinising the image on the frail surface. A tiny smile played on her lips, her eyes glowing. Catherine had done her make-up, and she had worked very hard to make her the most stunning bride in the world. There was something deep and emotional from the way Catherine did her make-up. Relena believed she witnessed redness in the other women’s eyes when their gazes clashed. Other people might not realise it, but she knew.

     She was also a woman after all, and she knew the conflict in Catherine’s heart. The conflict started to haunt her as well, knocking on the door to her conscience. She was going to marry Quatre in an hour, yet she was unable to forget those beautiful violet eyes, full of sadness. She couldn’t believe herself asking the other woman to be her maid of honour!

     Catherine loved her soon-to-be husband. She had to do something, but she was powerless. Never could she risk Quatre’s reputation by leaving him all of sudden alone in front of the altar. He had been too sweet to comply when she had told him she was only to be married in Church, complying even her simplest request.

     Blowing a strand of her fringe, Relena plopped down the chair in front of the mirror carelessly, sending the organza of her gown askew. She sat silently for awhile, contemplating her options – where there was nothing left. Slowly she raised her left hand, her eyes softened as her gaze stayed on the form of her engagement ring. In her mind, she pictured the wedding rings she had chosen and bought for the very day, when the future then awaited. Wedding rings should be wear by two people who really trust each other…, she said to him. They are the symbols of union.

     Why couldn’t we? he had asked her back.

     We can’t. We never owned each other from the beginning.

     Tears stung Relena’s eyes. She knew she was right. They never owned each other since the very beginning of their relationship. She offered herself to Heero, but he refused her. Quatre loved her, and in return, she gave herself to Quatre, so that she could love the other man back. But what happened?

     She was Quatre’s possession. He owned her, marked her, and chained her with his engagement ring.

     Relena’s tears streamed down freely when she realised something. She did want to love Quatre, but…

     But her heart belonged to Heero.

     6 months prior to the wedding

     Relena ran her fingers on the display cupboard, scanning the items spread before her eyes meticulously. Rings and rings and rings. Wedding rings. And she had to make up her mind by the time they finished their shopping trip.

     She twisted her body to the right when someone poked into her waist – her ticklish spot – but she managed to maintain her serious expression. She squirmed slightly out of the way when a large hand of a man attempted to encircle her waist from behind. Her frown deepened when a light and amused chuckle travelled into her ears. Still, her expression didn’t waver.

     “Darling, it’s only wedding rings. Perhaps you take my words too seriously when I said ring hunting this morning.” came the affectionate voice of her fiancée, Quatre Raberba Winner. Once again, he tried running his fingers down her honey coloured strands, but she caught the hand and placed it on his side. With that came her reprimanding glare. "I’m concentrating, Quatre.” She sighed before diverting her gaze back on the rings and squinting her eyes, “Natural or white?” Quatre frowned at that.

     “What?”

     “Gold.”

     A sigh escaped Quatre’s lips as he planted his hands into his hips. Relena was being stubborn again as usual.

     “Like I said,” he offered, licking his dry lips as he searched Relena’s face, “ White gold. With a little specks of natural gold between it.” His and Relena’s tastes differed, and that was one of those moments when Quatre felt reluctant to argue with her. She was a diplomat. She would fight her way until he at least acknowledged her points.

     Raising her eyes to meet Quatre’s, Relena lifted her eyebrows in disagreement. She answered her fiancée boldly, a stern and gentle tone in her voice,

     “White gold is white gold; natural gold is natural gold. We shouldn’t use both. Doesn’t symbolise unity.”

     Quatre lifted his eyebrows in imitation of Relena’s gesture, his eyes twinkling with amusement, “Either way is fine by me. Besides, it’s only a church wedding.”

     Something in Relena snapped the moment Quatre mentioned the wedding. Uneasiness spread, her defence erected.

     “So what?” she asked him precisely, careful not to reveal her anxiety, her voice suddenly low, “Do you regret your decision already? Do you think that being married in a church will not bring the same solemnity as when done in a mosque?”

     His eyes widened in surprise, Quatre clamped his jaws stiffly. This happened a lot between them lately. They weren’t exactly arguing, but there was always something hot behind Relena’s answers. The wedding preparation must have taken its toll on Relena’s body and mind.

     Guilty swelled in Relena’s mind the moment she spotted the surprise on Quatre’s gentle features. There, she had done it again, hurting Quatre’s feelings. She knew she had to apologise, but for some unknown reasons she was unable to do so.

     Settling into one of her more tender expressions, Relena tiptoed and pecked Quatre’s lips lightly. “Honey, I’m just tired, okay? Don’t take my insult oh-so-seriously.”

     Smiling lovingly, Quatre sealed their lips in a slow, gentle kiss before parting. Tucking a strand of honey coloured hair behind Relena’s ear, he replied, “’Kay, luvvy.”

     Relena rewarded Quatre with a sweet little smile as she went back to her ring inspection. This time she didn’t protest when Quatre circled his arm around her tiny waist and positioned his body snugly against her back, his chin on the crown of her head. She could feel his smile against her nape and lifted one of her eyebrows in a surprised look as she finally noticed their flushing and envious attendant. Her head shaking slightly in amusement, she lowered her eyes and immersed herself back in the details of the intricately carved ring in her hand.

     It was beautiful, a masterpiece. There was no jewellery embellishment on its surface except for a carving of two graceful doves, their wings intertwining with each other. It was so tiny and delicate that it took her breath away as she caressed it. She didn’t know, however, if Quatre would approve or not. Besides, the two doves remind her of…sighing, she put the ring back and started to pick another design.

     But Quatre noticed the ring and took it from her hand, admiring its details. Glancing at Relena briefly, he cleared his throat and commanded gently, “Give me your hand.”

     “What?”

     sweetly, Quatre extended his own hand, his gentle voice once again filling the air,

     “Your hand, my lady.”

     Blushing at such attention, Relena slowly placed her smaller hand in Quatre’s though she kept her vigilance. She worried Quatre would come up with one of his occasional little pranks, which sometimes wasn’t funny. Soon she relaxed, as she saw only love in Quatre’s eyes this time. It increased the pain in her heart, however, to witness such devotion in him. Quickly she hid her pain behind a smile and pretended for all its worth that what Quatre said next was the most important thing in the world.

     She almost gasped as Quatre slid the ring easily, her eyes sparkling with admiration.

     “Beautiful,” Quatre praised, a dreamy look came across his features.

     For a moment Relena was drown in her genuine admiration, but she quickly snapped out of her daydream the moment a certain name popped into her mind. Frowning slightly, she bit her lower lip as she scrutinised the ring silently, her mind wandering.

     Heero. Why did she think of him at a time like this?

     It was only a simple ring, for God’s sake, but its design reminded her of him. She didn’t want to be reminded of him. Her period with him was over. She didn’t suppose to think about him anymore.

     “Relena?” Noticing Relena’s sudden quietude, Quatre tilted Relena’s face with his forefinger.

     The young woman merely pulled back her hand and quickly disposed the ring on top of the glass cupboard as if the object stung.

     “No.” she told him curtly,

     “I don’t want this one.”

     “It’s beautiful, and just now your expression said so.” Quatre tried, still not giving up, “Just what’s wrong?”

     “It’s not a wedding ring.”

     That was the moment when Rashid, Quatre’s assistant and second in command, decided to call and interrupt their rare and precious moment together. Groaning, Quatre forced himself away from Relena, giving her and apologetic look while holding up his vid - mobile phone and pointing at it, mouthing,

     “Gotta go.”

     Relena gave him a trembling smile and dismissed him with a nod. She only realised she was holding her breath after hearing Quatre’s footfalls fading behind her. She closed one hand over her eyes tiredly and sighed profoundly. Inside, she felt relief. Tension was written all over her features, as she usually experienced whenever Quatre was nearby. It was never like that before. She used to be happier and more relaxed and vibrant with him. She used to think Quatre was a good company, even in silence.

     She gave into a final sigh before finally turning around with a little smile. Her fiancée was opening his mouth to say something, and looked as if he was on the verge of apologising. Such nature had always become him whenever problems arose. Quatre was so quick to apologise, even though it wasn’t his fault. Quickly she put her fingers on his lips, silencing him.

     “Important business?” she supplied, a thin smile appeared on her lips, “I understand. But I have the rest of my day free though, so I might as well stay.”

     Quatre looked doubtful; worry cast a shadow on his handsome features. “Alone? Your brother will kill me!”

     “Milliardo?” Once again the lazy cheshire smile stretched across her lips, “Not if Lucrezia intervened.”

     With that last comment, Relena broke into a wide grin and tapped his nose playfully.

     He was still unconvinced however.

     Batting her eyelashes innocently, she clasped her hands behind her back and said,

     “Trust me.”

     Glancing about only to see the attendant’s amusement, she became even bolder, “You can even count on me to choose the rings.”

     Relena grinned triumphantly as she saw Quatre’s stance relaxed, but steeled herself when she spotted a hint of mischief in his aquamarine eyes. His tone husky, Quatre spoke softly as he ran his fingers along the outline of Relena’s face, “White gold with specks of natural gold. That’s the final deal.”

     "White gold, and that’s the end of the bargain.” She replied a bit too cheerfully, her tone rebellious, “I know you prefer white gold. Just say it!”

     A sigh, and then,

     “You win. Pick whatever rings you want by the end of the day. That counts natural gold as well.”

     Flashing her fiancée a winning smile, Relena kissed Quatre’s cheek gently and began shooing him. The young man only shook his head ruefully and stole a kiss from her before finally dashing for the way out. Never he knew that behind his back, she was breathing in relief. She massaged the bridge of her nose tiredly and only raised her eyes when her attendant asked her hesitantly to make up her mind.

     She still had to choose between white or natural gold.

     Tough choices.

     Relena squinted her eyes as the fierce rays of the afternoon sun burning her eyes, and rummaged her white plastic bag for a pair of sunglasses. Her lips twitched in satisfaction when her hand finally found what she was looking for. She frowned however, when she finally took a good look at the sunglasses.

     It was Quatre’s sunglasses; the wire rim glinted under the sun, its lenses dark blue. She wondered why everything had to remind her of him. Shrugging carelessly, Relena dismissed any negative thoughts from her mind as she donned the sunglasses. She lifted an eyebrow as she caught her reflection on a display window by her side, biting her lower lip in contemplation as she brushed her bangs aside. The wire-framed sunglasses actually suited her look although they were a little bit old fashioned. Personally she preferred her plastic red framed and yellow tinted sunglasses, but anything would do for her as long as they served their purpose. In this case, she needed the sunglasses to protect her identity and shield her eyes from the scorching sun.

     Hefting her bag high below her arm, she smiled at her reflection one more time before skipping to another direction, but her feet were frozen to the ground the moment she spotted a distinct reflection of a man. Relena gasped involuntarily; her hands flew to cover her mouth.

     Heero Yui. He was in town? Shopping alone? Unbelievable. She could never believe her ill luck.

     Quickly she spun on her heels and lowered her sunglasses before double-checking the figure standing across the road, her hands shaking from both panic and excitement. The man was definitely Heero Yui, although he seemed much more at ease with one hand leaning casually against the traffic light and the other holding several plastic bags. Silver plastic framed sunglasses perched on his nose, and he was out of his usual Preventer uniform.

     God forgives her – she was engaged to Quatre Raberba Winner, but still she was ogling Heero Yui, one of his fiancée’s best friends and her old time flame. She couldn’t resist. He reminded her of the past as she looked at him in his casual attire of high-necked black sleeveless shirt and khakis. It wasn’t exactly his old dress code, but the image he produced brought her back to the beginning of their complex relationship.

     The man looked different from his everyday self. Even from ten metres distance, Relena could merely sense aura of relaxation from him. Gone was the stealth he applied on his every movement. He looked almost…like an ordinary man there. A beautiful man, Heero Yui was.

     He was also the same beautiful man who had refused her a few months ago, claiming he loved and hated her at the same time. The same man who had kissed her passionately, and yet leaving her empty and dissatisfied after. The same man who had been her sole obsession since she was fifteen, young, full of dreams, but lonely.

     At the end, Heero Yui did nothing but broke her heart.

     Relena stiffened at her own thought. She knew she would never dismiss the memory completely, but she just never expected it to affect her so strongly. Usually she managed to maintain civil if not friendly atmosphere during the time they had to work together. Running away, that was what she did all the time, never totally at peace with herself. She never brought her problems out in the open and tried to deal with them. A coward, that was what she was. "Aw, let’s go!” she groaned. She commanded herself to move, but her legs wouldn’t follow her order. She placed the sunglasses back before her eyes, but still she continued spying on Heero. At least the young Preventer member was totally oblivious of Relena’s existence.

     Or may be he wasn’t.

     After all, awareness had always been his nature, the perfect soldier.

     And she gasped, cursing her own stupidity. She should have run when she had the chance. Heero Yui eventually raised his face and spotted her existence, his strong hand lifting the sunglasses so they rested on top of his head. A shudder ran through Relena’s spine the moment Heero’s cobalt blue eyes contracted with her own baby blue ones.

     Heero’s cold and steely glare was not a new experience for her, but it still pierced her heart. His deep-sea blue eyes bored intensely into hers, freezing and hypnotising. A jumble of emotions she was unable to distinguish was radiated from his usually uncharacteristic facial expression.

     Relena narrowed her eyes in silent scrutiny. She didn’t see any expression in Heero’s face, yet she felt as if he slapped her across her face merely by looking at her. The muscles of his face were hardened as recognition flashed in his eyes, but the display of emotions ended there. Even then Relena could feel the queasiness in her heart when their eyes met. She had never feared Heero, but she realised just for a few seconds she did fear him for his unpredicted ways.

     Chuckling dryly, Relena shook her head ruefully and threw one arm in the air, feeling pretty much defeated. Heero Yui was definitely a hopeless case. His thoughts or intentions were always obscured; never clear enough for her so much prized mind-reading ability to interpret. Her experiences as a diplomat and a negotiator were useless against Heero’s masterful method of emotion concealment. He wasn’t a walking computer, but she still spent a great deal of her time convincing herself that Heero was after all a human being.

     The light turned green, and turned back into red, but Heero wouldn’t budge from his spot. His fists tightening around the shopping bags’ handles, he continued gazing into the blueness of Relena’s crystal clear orbs. Relena stepped aback, self-consciousness and embarrassment seeping into her mind, her heart pumping wildly in her chest. She, Relena Peacecraft, who had her audience hypnotised whenever she talked, was frozen by a mere glance of the man.

     It took her several seconds to calm her heart, and by the time she managed avoiding Heero’s penetrating gaze, she was all teary and exhausted…emotionally exhausted. She was a fool to have believed herself immune to those frightening energy of his eyes. It took great courage and energy to flee from the man, but she had drained all her courage only by challenging his eyes. Heero’s gaze emptied her soul to the core, leaving her bare with nothing to cover her most intimate emotions.

     Blinking her tears away, Relena clutched her bag close to her heart as if it could serve as a barricade between her and Heero, and hurried down the other side of the pavement, scuttling away to escape the vision of Heero Yui. The hair on her nape pricked up as she shuddered involuntary. And she realised something. Heero was still looking at her – she felt his eyes – probing, infiltrating her mind with thousands of undefined emotions she had never witnessed in one Heero Yui. She stopped on her track, whirling her head around to capture Heero’s figure in her heart for the second time of the day.

     He changed.

     He did conceal his emotions at first, but he let them flow to her in a rush at the end, and it felt to her like…like a time bomb, ticking away as it charged its energy, flowing and waiting for the right time to crush her.

     She never understood him. She thought he wanted her to go away; she really thought he did. But when she looked into his eyes, there would always be this naked, undefined emotion, one that finally forced her to stay. It was always like that. She stayed; he refused. She left; he pleaded…silently. She didn’t know anymore what was right and wrong.

     Heero’s heart skipped a beat the moment he saw the lovely vision before his eyes, suppressing the urge to chuckle at Relena’s attempt to hide her identity with a pair of sunglasses and a black baseball cap. It would never work for him; he recognised her too well. Those slender limbs, slim waist, beautiful golden tresses and the cherry red lips…the way she moved…everything screamed to him that the woman was Relena Peacecraft. She wasn’t totally uncreative though. She managed deceiving most people with a little fashion changes here and there.

     He held the shopping bags in his hands and adjusted his balance and leant on his left hip, searching for the most comfortable position to continue his watching. He looked at her with hooded eyes, the barest tug on the corners of his lips forming a ghostly little smile. The smile became ironic when he saw Relena squirmed in discomfort, shifting from foot to foot.

     She was marrying one of his comrades in a few months. Should he feel regret, perhaps sadness? Or should he feel happy instead? He had no idea. In fact, he didn’t have the slightest clue about what he was feeling inside. He had driven Relena away from him, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to congratulate the brilliance of his own action and continue as if nothing had happened in the past few months. After all, he believed he had removed his obstacle of life.

     Relena was extremely polite to him, and never once regarded him with warmth she reserved for friends only. He should be glad. She never bothered him anymore, not even for a friendly chitchat. She avoided him like a plague, only talking to him when necessary, and with, he should say, much professionalism.

     A pang of ‘something’ drove him insane instead. It was an uncomfortable twinge at first, but it grew bigger and bigger and sometimes it would distract him from work. Even worse, he started making mistakes in his missions, which did nothing to his already suffering reputation as a perfect soldier.

     He thought he had finished with the love thing. He thought by eliminating their relationship, he could set his fate back on track, and that he would lose all distractions in his life. He told the woman he had loved her, but also hated her. He had destroyed everything, which in his belief brought nothing but commotions.

     Her face haunted him even in his waking hours. It was then that he decided: she had poisoned him once, and the poison lingered, refusing to leave his mind. He changed; he was not normal anymore. But what was normal anyway? He never dared asking anybody and kept the secret to himself.

     He tried sleeping pills, yet Relena’s face would always float into his dreams, her easy smiles and laughter echoing. In his dream he was mesmerised, reduced into a dysfunctional person for all his worth, unable to resist her charms. He always woke up with sweat drenching his body, shaking with silent longing and those undefined feelings again. Guilt? Love? Again, he had no clue.

     Against all odds, he started stealing glances at the beautiful diplomat the moment he was sure she wasn’t looking his way, even at work. She sparked more and more whenever he saw her again and again. She always looked bold and strong and beautiful, her blue eyes blazing and sparkling with vivacity as she flaunted her charms, impressing those older diplomats around her while getting her job done efficiently.

     However, it was different at the moment. It was a different Relena he was looking, in a different environment outside their working area. No designer suit, no make-up, no intricately braided hair. Just Relena and plain Relena. A beautiful and young single woman in her sky blue spaghetti strapped top with cotton lace trim and bootleg jeans, her hair high in a ponytail.

     He surprised himself when a genuine smile spread on his face. Not quite a smirk, but a gentle one. Relena looked just like an ordinary woman, and for a moment he could forget who he was and the tension between them. He could just stand there as an ordinary man admiring an ordinary girl in an uneventful day. May be for today he could pretend he wasn’t the perfect soldier and approach her in a more civilised manner. Besides, Relena would soon marry Quatre. A simple greeting wouldn’t hurt.

     The light turned green again, and he took a deep breath, strengthening his resolution as he crossed the street purposely to Relena’s direction. His hands were cold and clammy as he shifted his loads from hand to hand nervously, his heart hammering against his ribcage. All this excitement was new to him, making him giddy with his own mixture of emotions. He fully understood he was making a grave mistake by allowing his emotions to rule his head, but he took the risk still.

     He quickened his pace as he sensed her speeding away from him, her nervous aura penetrating his senses. He pushed the milling people out of his way, sending glares potent with his usual steely determination when people dared to scold him. He only had one mission in his head: to catch up with Relena, who was as afraid as him to face each other, he did realise. He must, however, clear up everything with Relena and settled on an agreement.

     Today, just today, perhaps he was able to figure out what he actually desired.

     Relena darted her eyes to her left and right, desperately looking for a hiding spot. She ran away from the only person she had most longed to see, but most longed to hate as well, for he had destroyed her innocence, her love of life and her confidence as a woman. Normally, she would take their meetings in a stride because they had met each other as a diplomat and a military officer, but today she just couldn’t face him. The place, the circumstances were all different, all wrong. There was nothing she could use as a wall against him, to cover up her own emotions. There, with no business between them, she became a plain woman who had been desperately wished she was in another dimension altogether rather than facing her old dilemma.

     She wished she had never fallen in love with him. Heero Yui still had such influence deep in her mind, brainwashing her with all those adolescent fantasies he inflicted upon her only to destroy her at the end with his ambiguity.

     Was he coming to hurt her…or was he…? Relena shook her head. She didn’t dare venture her mind to that particular area where her dream laid dormant. Heero Yui was no wimp. He was a man of a lot of principles, no matter how odd they might sound to ordinary people. He wouldn’t change his mind about her only in mere seconds. Even if he did change his mind, there should be a strong reason behind his decision.

     So here she was, watching him coming, her heartbeats quickening in panic as she observed him shouldered his way through the swarm of pedestrians. His eagle eyes locked on her figure as he forced his way, sometimes rudely elbowed people aside in his attempt to reach her before she was gone. She told herself she had the chance to run from him, yet her feet were planted firmly on the ground. Logic told her running away wouldn’t solve any of her problems though she was sure as hell it would be a bliss to see him disappear forever from her life. Saved her from a lot of heartaches

     Still, she was too much a coward to meet his eyes. She didn’t have the heart to kill the past, thus resulting in her constant heartache, and a lot were at stake – her pride, her confidence, her composure. She only hoped that she would be brave enough to face him without breaking down.

     So there she was, standing like a rock, waiting for the inevitable. Her body was as stiff as the electricity pole by her side, her face hardened, serving as a mask to hide all her thoughts.

     Relena bit out a gasp when Heero Yui finally found his place before her and placed one large hand on her own smaller one, its grip crushing her dainty little fingers. Strange, but he almost seemed…afraid. Afraid that she would get away. He pulled her, and she winced as her smaller body was slammed into the sturdier frame of the man, with his chest hard and muscular.

     Everything happened too fast, and Heero had used too much force when he pulled her.

     One minute she shrieked in panic as she lost her balance, and another minute his strong hand came to support her tiny waist. Instead the act brought them into collision once again. Only this time, they were losing their balance together and collapsed on the rough pavement on top of each other.

     Her head dizzy, Relena tried to collect her thoughts as she shook her head slowly, her fingers combing her hair out of its disarray state. She raised her eyes only to see one of her precious and newly purchased 22 carats gold rings gliding on the ground before innocently plunged into the opening of a sewer. "Holy!” she whispered in sheer alarm, scrambling to her feet as fast as she could, cold washing over her. The man below her body gasped sharply as her elbow dug accidentally into his stomach, stiffening momentarily as he rolled off his back, urging back the desire to nurse his injured stomach. A light glance at him told people that Relena’s careless attitude annoyed him, although there was also some confusion in his face. He failed to see the reason of Relena’s anxiety right away.

     Relena was wailing inwardly as her well-trained ears caught the familiar sound of the water splashing, and slumped her shoulders, heaving loudly. So much for the hours she had wasted to find a good design. She should have stayed home instead of going on the Goddamned shopping trip with Quatre. Today was definitely not her day. Quatre left her alone and she met her old heart nemesis, and he was also the one who caused the loss of her $ 2,000 ring!

     Sitting on her heels, Relena took three long breaths to calm down her racing pulse. The anger was burning inside, but the sensation felt rather pleasant. Her brows knitted as the sensation clouded her mind, erasing her previous worries in a swirl of emotions. Slowly she turned to face Heero and cleared her throat.

     “Heero.”

     He didn’t answer. Instead, he occupied himself with throwing unreadable expressions at her.

     “Do you realise that…” Relena paused, checking on Heero’s expressions, accusation in her eyes, “you just knocked down my most expensive purchase of the day?”

     When she had no response, she inhaled slowly and continued,

     “It wasn’t even thirty minutes since I closed the transaction, Mister Yui.”

     Yes, she could hardly believe her luck. Gone was her effort to choose the best ring for her and Quatre. She had wasted her time – big time. Of course she could buy an entire planet if she wished so, but she wasn’t a fool who set only to waste her account on earthy pleasures. She would rather spend it for a rather noble cause or…investment.

     Ignoring people’s odd looks, Heero got up and began to gather his scattered shopping bags, his face as stony as ever. He merely waited silently as Relena gathered her own things, her demeanour cool and detached. An amused smile stretched Heero’s lips as he sensed cold anger radiating from Relena’s perfect features as they stood face to face with Heero towering almost one foot over Relena, continuing their silent battle of will.

     Surprisingly, it was Heero who broke their silent battle for the first time and spoke to her. Relena would have stated her astonishment if she wasn’t baffled by Heero’s next question,

     “Where is Quatre?”

     Where is Quatre...

     The question was replayed again and again as her mind tried to absorb its meaning. Reluctantly she was again reminded why she didn’t want to talk to Heero in the first place. It was part of her who insisted on her being loyal to her fiancée. She thought there would be nothing wrong going on between her and Quatre as long as she kept her distance as far away from Heero as possible. A hard lump formed in her throat, her voice suddenly hoarse as she answered him carefully,

     “Gone, to work.”

     Strange, but it almost seemed as if Heero was relieved. At first she didn’t notice it, being troubled by her own predicament, but she thought her eyes deceiving her when she actually witnessed Heero exhaling in relief faintly. The corners of his mouth was drawn up ever so slightly, showing that he was actually rather happy knowing about Quatre’s absence.

     Of course, Heero was still Heero who wouldn’t show his feelings for the world to see. As fast as the expression came, it was gone, leaving only a hard mask. Still, there was something gentle radiated from his face, which managed to only increase the beatings of her heart.

     "So you’re now blaming me?”

     Thoughtfully Relena raised her eyes to meet Heero’s cobalt blue ones and nodded measurably. Planting one hand into her hip, she heaved, raising one of her eyes brows in annoyance. Again her mind was diverted from the thoughts of Quatre to the problem in hand. To hell with her love life. Losing her 22 carat gold ring was even more of a tragedy for her at the moment. However, the question he asked her, although it was only an ordinary question, it somehow had a deeper meaning.

     "I will never blame anyone for what’s happened to me.” Her response held the same implied meaning. She never let go of Heero’s eyes as she spoke the line, her breath caught in her throat as she anticipated Heero’s reaction.

     She stifled a sigh, feeling that she had done the act one too many. Heero never moved a muscle, his face as smooth as ever. He was the embodiment of all contradictions in this world, responding when she didn’t expect an answer and clamping up when she needed one very badly.

     A strong grip on her arm halted her train of thoughts, the touch freezing her blood, blurring her mind. Her logic screamed that she needn’t to react very badly, but her heart told her to protect herself. She tried to jerk her arm away, her heart beating against her ribcage. Relena let out a silent shriek when Heero hauled her up to her feet with fierce determination. Something in his manner said that he and she weren’t quite finished…yet. Rather, they just began…yet another of their verbal tension.

     "Thank you,” she breathed the phrase, pretending to be interested in the state of her hair all of sudden.

     "Don’t mention it.” Heero mumbled, eyes twinkling with amusement. Again, that little trace of emotion was gone the moment she raised her face to double check its existence.

     "Sorry about the ring, by the way.”

     Cocking her head to one side, Relena studied Heero’s handsome features, secretly pleased that Heero still remembered to apologise, even if he had done it mechanically. It was the human thing to do. Consideration for others’ feelings, and desire to make amends of one’s mistake, and many, many more. He was well on the path of self improvement and humanity.

     She didn’t exactly know why he ran after her, but she suspected it had something to do with their last intimate encounter before she had accepted Quatre’s proposal. He was here to chase away his own demon, which, without her cooperation, would refuse to die.

     Talking about chasing away demon, Relena finally took notice of Heero’s rather rigid posture. He looked tense, almost…nervous. The great Heero Yui, nervous? She laughed inwardly. Impossible. But the thought made her relaxed at the prospect of facing her own dilemmas. So she wasn’t the only one afraid. She might have to kill Heero to get him to admit that he was indeed in fear, but the feeling was there, showing in his body language.

     And that gave Relena a warm fuzzy feeling that her Heero was actually not as perfect as what she had imagined him to be. Pain emerged as other memories surfaced along, but it didn’t stop her to smile in amusement. She kept forgetting the fact that Heero had always been very…inflexible, inexpressive. Let’s just say that social life usually cut off his endurance and patience.

     A small giggle from her disturbed Heero and made him glare,

     “What?”

     “ No. Nothing.”

     Then silenced stretched between the two. People were passing by them, but they seemed not to notice others around them.

     "I…”

     Relena perked up her ears and waited for what Heero had to say patiently. She wasn’t the most tolerant woman, but for Heero she had all the patience in the world. The man couldn’t be rushed.

     “Relena, I…”

     At that point Relena decided to tell him that whatever happened between them, it was all over. She was now Quatre’s, and sadly she could do nothing about it, even if Heero would beg her to rethink her decision on bended knee and ask her to marry him instead. Quatre loved her very dearly, and she wasn’t about to betray him; she could never bear the thought of hurting her fiancée. She loved him in a way.

     "It’s all oouff…!” her sentence was cut off when again, Heero dragged her and walked ahead very quickly that Relena stumbled forward trying to follow his steps. Relena suddenly wondered if the man was ever given a lesson in decorum. He behaved very non-gentlemanly toward her.

     “Heero!”

     she practically yelled at him, struggling fervently to keep her feet firm on the ground while at the same time running behind him, “What devil possessed you today? Stop for God’s sake!”

     “Just be quiet, I’m taking you somewhere.” came Heero’s answer, which suspiciously sounded rather tired.

     Relena frowned. Where did he learn such chauvinistic behaviour? Okay, so he wasn’t as bad as Wu Fei, or that may be she was exaggerating a little, but it was evident from his commanding tone. And Relena ever disliked to be ordered around.

     “Goddammit, Heero! Slow down!”

     And he skidded into a stop. And turned around. And looked at her with something akin to disbelief in his eyes…or shock. And then she gasped. Something was going on, and she realised it was mostly related on her case of personality. She never realised Heero too had his own image about her imprinted somewhere in his head, and probably it had nothing to do with the swearing woman before him. Okay, so she never said the F-word, but she was still swearing. She was out of the character he had set for her. Next she was faced with the fact that both of them had imagined each other as a different person. The little accident eventually presented them with some truths.

     “Ahem, I…” Relena cleared her throat uncomfortably, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

     With a sigh, Heero merely walked pass her (again!) and walked straight into a shop, which to her surprise was the jewellery shop where she had purchased her rings earlier. So he meant to replace her ring.

     As if he heard her thought, he inclined his head slightly to her direction, looking as if he thought she was the densest woman in the world, and gruffly informed her, “I’ll buy you a ring.”

     Relena opened her mouth to protest, but thought the better of it and shut her mouth up. She deserved to have her ring replaced. After all, it was his entire fault. She stepped inside cautiously, peering around in hope that noone in the shop recognised her and breathed a sigh of relief when another woman she had never seen before attended them.

     “How can I help you, Sir?”

     Relena glanced about to see Heero talking softly to the woman, explaining exactly what he, no, she needed. Shrugging, Relena wandered to browse along in hope that she would find similar items to what she had chosen earlier. It was a pity she had to lose one of them. She quiet liked the simple design of the intricate chain carving on the rims of the rings.

     She glanced once again to Heero’s direction and almost smiled as she spotted him scratching his head in a most helpless manner though his face remained expressionless. The attendant must have bombarded him with questions he didn’t understand, but felt it was his mission to answer them. She considered leaving Heero on his own as a punishment, but decided it wasn’t the appropriate thing to do when he went to great length to find the best replacement to her ring.

     “Um…yeah, “ she caught him stammering hesitantly, very uncharacteristically him, “I’d like to buy a ring for this lady over here.” He turned to Relena and waved his hand furiously, gesturing her to come to his side. The desperate note made Relena bolder and prolonged her movement. The glint in his eyes looked as if he was going to strangle her neck when she finally reached his place. She, on the other hand, took her sweet time, a small dry smile plastered on her face.

     “For your fiancée?” the woman began her interrogation.

     “No,” Heero quickly intervened. Relena could feel his body stiffened a bit. She felt she had to give him a bit of encouragement, so she squeezed his arm slightly and smiled at the attendant. She knew the woman was only trying to be helpful, but dealing with Heero could prove to be an aggravating venture.

     “Wedding rings.” He drawled in that usually monotone voice of his and…blush much to Relena’s surprise. So Heero Yui still had the grace to blush in public.

     “So you two are engaged then,” the woman drew her own conclusion cheerfully, making Relena almost groaning, “When will you two get married?”

     Relena almost told the woman to mind her own business, but again Heero responded before she could even think of a polite way to tell the other woman.

     “No.” Heero stated as a matter of fact, keeping the story clean and simple, “We’re not getting married.” Secretly Relena felt a bit down to hear Heero’s description of their uneventful relationship, but she was also happy with the answer. At least nothing could go wrong with Heero Yui. But she found herself panicked as a new fear dawned. True, Heero’s no-nonsense way would save them a lot of troubles, but what if he felt the need to…?

     "We crashed into each other, we fell, and the ring fell into a sewer.” Heero finished his tale flatly in one breath intake, while beside him Relena winced and shrank further on the background. She didn’t know where else she had to hide her face at the moment. The retelling of their accident was very much a disgrace for her, but apparently Heero treated it like an everyday occurrence. It contradicted her reputation as a diplomat. In the story, she was a klutz.

     As if all the embarrassment was not enough of a punishment for her, the person who had attended her earlier had decided to pop into the stage and recognised her instantly. She rushed quickly to the alarmed Relena, bombarding her with questions, “Miss, you come back? Who’s this man? I thought the other one is your fiancée. Or… is he?”

     “Well, I…” Heero took pity on me and was about to tell the truth to the girl when she suddenly exclaimed.

     “I know! You’re actually Mr. Winner’s sister! And-and you’re getting married to him!” the girl finished, pointing at Heero with such excitement that made Relena didn’t want to say the truth. She didn’t have the heart to kill the girl’s enthusiasm.

     There was a prolonged silence in the room, and the uncomfortable silence was almost unbearable for both Heero and Relena. Of course, none of them wanted to go into great details of their messy relationship. It was private, and both of them always appreciated privacy beyond measure.

     In that awkward moment, Relena turned to Heero for answer and caught him gazing back at her. What do we do? She silently asked him. We didn’t want to embarrass ourselves further.

     What she saw in Heero’s eyes almost made her smile. As always, he understood what she was thinking.

We’ll take it in a stride, like a mission .His face seemed to tell. But they will get the wrong impression. Her mind screamed. There would be rumours!

     She saw surprise, and then a promise. A solemn promise that whatever happened, he would always protect her. And then, he tentatively ran his hand along the length of her honey coloured strands, his blue orbs softened as he told her huskily,

     “You did nothing wrong. You’ll be fine, and so will I. Trust me.”